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I did something really stupid today!


Depression & II have lived with depression for most of my adult life and for the past 15 years I have been seeing a psychiatrist on a monthly basis who has helped me an awful lot but today I think I did something really stupid!

I was taking Venlafaxine XL 225 mg daily for the past 3 years and a little over three months ago I stopped taking them because I was feeling nauseated 5 days out of 7, to me that wasn’t living, I couldn’t do anything, yes they did help tremendously with my depression, and for the first couple of years I felt good, great in fact and I don’t know why they made me feel ‘sick’ but they did, the withdrawals were horrendous but I was determined to come off them and I do feel ok now, sort of…

Today when I saw my psychiatrist I was determined not to go back on medication so I did what us depressives do best, I put on an act! When I saw him I was happy, I lied about what I have been doing, making out that everything was going well in my life and I was positive about the future and it worked as I am no longer on any medication, but I’m no longer seeing my psychiatrist either!

He was so pleased with my ‘progress’ that he felt I had no further need of his help and he signed me back to my G.P. and the prospect of not seeing him again, that I am on my own scares the hell out of me.

For you ‘normal’ people who did not know that we depressives put on an act we do, especially with our friends and family who think that when we are depressed we are ‘just sad’ and if we socialise with you and have a good time it will make us better, let me tell you now it doesn’t, we put on an act for your benefit to make you feel better and to get you of our back, and I don’t mean that in a bad way.

Depression is not just about feeling sad, it is a chemical malfunction in the brain and unless you’ve ever suffered with depression you don’t know what it is like, and I’m not talking about the ‘depression’ you get when you break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend, that is not really depression that is just tremendous sadness!

My psychiatrist did tell me that if I needed help all I had to do was tell my G.P. that I want to be referred back to him and I would see him within a week, but I have never asked anyone for help, I don’t know why I just don’t! I only got to see a psychiatrist because I took an overdose and nearly died and that scares me.

Don’t worry I’m not suicidal, well not yet anyway….  :-) see I can smile… I’m just lost and worried about the future that’s all, forgive me for not posting anything today I’m not in the mood, I will try tomorrow, stay save and peace to all.

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